“Chronicles of A Melancholic Separation”

We handle separation differently. I sharing my struggles with you hope can make you see the brighter side of this difficult process. I’m too embarrassed to admit my vulnerability, but maybe someone out there needs a walk though guide how to endure the hardship of moving-on from the love we thought we can’t lived without.

Five long year’s relationship gone in a day. All the memories from start to breaking-up, giving a second try and finally giving it a conclusion. It ended with a quiet walk, simple handshake and last look. I’m not married but having the anxiety and looking back, my quarter life crisis feels like a relationship gone wrong.

A union that started in hopeful dream of happy endings, fighting for it, gave-up, having a second chance, failing it again, and accept that it’s best to go on separate ways. Exerting effort to understand and be understood, finding unnoticed gesture of love, discovering relationship mishaps, and exhausted emotions of working it together. The word goodbye, makes you feel liberated, uncertain, scared, hopeful, cautious, strong, and on your own again.

For months the cycle of emotions and memories tightly screwing inside-outside my head and felt by my heart. It aims to answer the questions why and how. Reasons and actions colliding trying to make sense of pain and sacrifice made, understanding why to hold-back or let it go. There are days, I willing give-up the fight of finding reasons that it’s worth fighting for, only to be discouraged by another memory that makes it logical to forget. Memories and emotions go together. There are memories that makes you feel affected even if, its over. It makes the entire process of leaving it all behind confusing. Taming a heart that aims to save the relationship, and tired to feel the love that didn’t last. Sleeping all day makes it easy. Exhausting the body from walking or running makes the head demands physical rest, forcing the brain to stop thinking. Entertaining oneself with hobby and leisure, to subside the emotional turmoil. The more you try to forget, all the more the memories resisting to be forgotten. There are memories that you want to keep even if it pains you to remember. Memories that haunts you even in dreams, but you welcome it like a comforting ghost of the past. There were days you can’t help to zone-out and wonder about the questions: “what could have been?” when the relationship is over. Trying your best to less complicate the situation of reaching-out and not looking back. It’s detrimental to look back, hindering oneself from going forward. The word acceptance creates a burdening feeling of “I’m alright, I have to be.”

Detachment is like ridding an emotional roller coaster; where every thrilling loop filled with “What I did wrong?” “How it happened?” And “Can I survive this?” questions. Thinking of the pit-stop, where I should have raised the “stop” sign but hold-on together as passing through the every difficulty and uncertain tracks of life. As you managed to overcome the thrills of danger, only to encounter a death-defying loop makes you wish, that you should have not started this adventurous journey at all. The rapid twisting slide gives a victorious feeling of invincibility, confident that you can make through whatever comes next, as long as the journey continues with the same partner. In that ride, both passengers agreed to face surprising outcome of their escapade. In times of danger and fear, the only thing we can do is hold-hand and scream together. Then laugh hard after the terrifying-crazy emotions of not being in control. The joy and worry of seeing and feeling your partner pushed beyond limit of his/her comfort. Facing fear together, makes you know your partner better. One may advise to enjoy the ride eyes open, while the other shut it off. One laughs and the other screams, or better both scream and laughs at what lays ahead. One may blame the other for taking the challenge while the other encourages to endure. Lastly after the ride, both of you will remember that feeling, drained but overwhelmed of what both of you have accomplished together. Sadly, one may continue to take a different adventure, the other stays with what he or she can handle. If the thrills strengthen the union, another emotionally draining and physically exhilarating challenges awaits to be conquered by partners who developed a stronger bond.

“What to do now?” Is the question that challenges the statement “I’m alright, I have to be” after all the questions and doubts debated by reasons; and the signs cleared the obligations from each other. It opens the door to a new uncertainty that could fail or succeed. Another roller coaster ride or the final stop of everything, of the questions, and what if’s. Going back to first step, of not knowing and facing whatever comes. Conquering the void feeling, most feels like a bright new start, others are so used to the cycle that their hearts are recuperate easily or their tolerance to pain improved. Wearing the pain as a record and an experience that can be seen as badge of honor or a deep scar. Few will continue as if nothing significant happened, but inside nostalgic-vestige remained to consume the heart. The perfect  conclusion to a new start is ” I have known myself better.”

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